Proving We're Worthy May Be Killing Us

I was looking in the mirror this morning and noticed a few grays. That really doesn't bother me as much as it seems to bother others. I think it's because of the way my older sister, Lori, approached her gray hairs. She said, "I found a gray hair. That means I'm wise now! Yippee!" We all looked at her like she was crazy, friends and family. But, now, upon reflection, I realize she had the best response to getting older. I also noticed that my hair is thinning in the top. As I mentioned earlier, I'm overweight. I have high blood pressure. So, my health is not the best and I'm only 36. I feel like I'm still a baby in so many ways, although chronologically I am middle-aged. So, my fear, obviously, is that I'm going to die much earlier than I should.

Life is complicated. Especially for a black person in the U.S. Then, add on being a fat woman. You have what can be called a triple disadvantage. But, if you ask some white folks, they see it as an advantage because they feel that any minority that gets a promotion ahead of them gets it because of affirmative action and not his skills and abilities. Their fears are not unfounded. There are some employers that do the minimal in order to not get sued because of violation of Title IX legislation. So, they'll just do what it takes to fill a quota instead of establishing thoughtful programs that make a genuine effort to reach out to minority communities when filling vacant spots.

But, lets get to what may be killing us. Black people, for the most part, hold each other to an extremely high standard. We fully expect each other to be the absolute best at whatever we do. We don't expect mediocrity; which is good to a great extent. Let's face it, black Americans are Westernized products of a capitalist "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" society and we take American ideals to heart more deeply, I think, than most other Americans because they have other "homes" outside of America. Descendents of slaves do not. I mean, we can go to the continent of Africa after we've genetically determined where our ancestors come from, but that's so general. It's not like having a real ancestral home where people with your same name and characteristics welcome you back.

Reality is we DO have to work three times harder to be considered acceptable in the mainstream U.S. In order to be exceptional almost requires a tunnel vision that cuts out all other aspects of your life; a single-minded anti-social dogged pursuit of a goal. That peer pressure can be good or bad depending on the person. However, I think that expectation has side effects. Cases in point:

1. We engage in highly risky/irresponsible sexual behavior that leads to STDs and higher rates of HIV/AIDS, even among the more educated of us
2. We suffer disproportionately from certain cancers than other races
3. We suffer from obesity, high blood pressure/hypertension, and diabetes at a higher rate than other races
4. Our life expectancy is lower than other races
5. Suicide rates among black youth and adults have doubled since the Civil Rights age

What this makes me wonder is if the stress of competing in America as a minority is killing us? Now some people might say, "This is absolutely ridiculous thinking. Expecting greatness from each other can only be a positive thing." I absolutely agree. But, expecting SUPER human accomplishments from anyone brings unnecessary stress. We cannot truly be equal until we are allowed to be human and to have a balanced life. See, my theory is, a life based on proving ourselves worthy to other human beings is an unhealthy life, leads to low self-esteem, and self-destructive unproductive activities. I realize I'm leaving out the group of black people that have just about given up and have stopped trying and feel left out of any upward mobility. Some people are told that no matter how hard they try they are doomed to being less than. So, it seems to be a growing divide between black people that "make it" and black people that don't "make it" by society's standards.

What is a balanced life? Well, that's hard to say and it changes as you go through life. I'll just say what it means to me now that I've had some chances to reflect. That Jehovah God is first, everything else is secondary, EVERYTHING. Jobs come and go. As far as I'm concerned, every job is temporary, but God never changes. I need to be able to exercise, to visit family and friends, to take a walk after dinner, to pray, to laugh, to watch a movie, to make a mistake and chuckle at myself about it instead of tremble in fear of losing my job, etc.

This brings me back to the image in my mirror. This is not the image that I want reflected back to me anymore. I look tired, beat, depressed, and neglected. I look like a statistic waiting to be added to the database. I'm angry at myself, but I have to love myself because this is who I am until I'm not seeing this reflection anymore. Like a woman said in the book, "Note to Self," "If anybody treated me like I treat myself, I'd kick their ass."

One place I want to get to in my life is not trying to prove my humanity to ANYONE white, black, or in between. I am a human because God told me so. I am worthy of a balanced life that keeps me as healthy as possible. I deserve good things. If I keep saying this to myself in the mirror, maybe I'll really believe it one day.