As I was brushing my teeth this morning, I was looking at my reflection in the mirror and I began laughing a little. I was watching the movie, "Get Smart," with Steve Carell. I think he's one of the funniest people ever. In a scene of the movie where he was jailed he woke up from a nightmare in which he was about 100 pounds heavier yelling, "I'm faaaaaat." See, the character had lost weight in order to go from being an analyst to a field agent, like Agent 99. I thought this was really funny and it was plain to me that the writer and director had gone through great pains to make sure that the jokes were funny and not deeply hurtful or offensive to overweight people.
I'm fat. There's no way around it. I can't hide it under my clothes. I can't wish it away. The fat is there and it's not going anywhere until I burn it off. It takes years of bad habits and neglect to become overweight. You just wake up one day and you don't recognize yourself. You don't see yourself and you get used to it. But, I get sharply reminded when I walk outside and people chuckle at me, go on job interviews that I think go well and find out the younger skinny girl got the job, and every time I try to shop for nice looking clothes at a reasonable price in my size.
It's embarassing. I feel like a failure and I know, on a certain level, that I'm not. I'm independent, I'm college educated and pretty smart, too. I paid and worked my way through school. These are things that I'm proud of.
Then there's my non-existent love life. I know other big girls get men, get married, and have kids. But, the type of man I attract is just not good. But, I draw people to me that are in the same condition I'm in and two wrongs do not make a right. I am under construction and I am coming out on the other side as a person that loves myself better, that is not lazy, and doesn't rest on her laurels. See, it's about comfort. Even if a situation is bad, a person can become used to it. So, if all you know is getting by, that low standard becomes a lifestyle.
On the other hand, most Americans are overweight. The average woman is a size 14. But instead of demanding our environment and products we consume to adjust to us, we hide in shame and sometimes stop coming outside and participating in life all together. The way big people are treated in this society is unacceptable because the last thing a fat person needs to do is stop moving and participating in life. That dichotomy of balancing a demand for equal treatment with a need to lose weight for my health, is draining and can cause me to stagnate. I get obstinate. I feel that people should love me for me, but I know that if I don't look like I love myself, then men will treat me badly.
Oprah says that when a person overeats they are feeding some need they are not addressing. She says she's a food addict. Well, you need to eat. So, what can you do?
Well, those are my thoughts for today. I will be fat for at least another 2-3 years, so I have to learn to love myself as I am. I'll probably be a fat girl mentally for the rest of my life. My journey is going to be really hard with the type of society we live in and the underlying issues that made me stop caring for myself in the first place. But, since when has life been easy?
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